hm. sometimes there is just SO much i want to say, you know. but i don't know how and where i can start. hmm. VIP VIP VIP. it has made me realise so much, you know. it has made me a lot more aware. of things. in general. of people. of life. of singapore. of myself. of the system.
and the more i study, the more i realise i do not need to study at all. why the hell do i learn math. and chem. and phy. and even bio, which i am mildly interested in. even things like geog, which i don't learn. but still. how pointless are these subjects. and the more i look at them, the more i reject them. i'm starting to reject math. alot. even though i get it. but it's so irritating and tedious! and WHY are we doing math. as if its going to help me succeed in life!
what i want out of life. i like writing. i want to WRITE. I WANT TO WRITE. before i die, i'm going to publish a novel. hahaha. or at least some of my work. which i hope are good enough. sometimes i really really wish i could be better at writing. i want to be so much better at like, lit. and LANG ARTS. and this sort of thing. but i'm not. and yeah. but all i want right now is to work towards my dreams.
sometimes i wish my family could understand me more. i mean. my mom claims she's open-minded. but she doesn't listen to what i have to say at all. she insists on imposing her point of view onto me. but I DO HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS. i have my own attitude towards things. i know she gives me a lot of space. and capacity to do what i want. but what about what i think? i can never think the same way as she does. i'm just not the same. right, we are both frank. we are both candid. we both ARE indecisive. i am SO similar to her. but i'm not the same. i am not. please. i just want her to listen to me.
she doesn't allow me to have a boyfriend. not that it's going to stop me if i really wanted to have one, but.. it sucks. i mean gosh. stop freaking thinking it's going to affect my studies. BECAUSE I WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO. but part of me is afraid that it will. but. part of me knows i will be able to handle it. i am mature enough. i believe so. and so WHAT if it affects my studies, really.. so what. am i supposed to hold back my emotions and pass up on a wonderful relationship or a wonderful period of time i can share with a person that brings me inexplicable memories/experiences? am i supposed to? for stupid things, like GRADES? which aren't even that accurate a yardstick to measure intellect.
i would like to believe i'm smart. sometimes i think i'm pretty average. but most of the time i'm convinced i think too much. and although that might not make me smart, it doesn't make me stupid either.
and well. i'm quite afraid to be posting this since it consists of so much of what i am thinking of these days.
hm. i'd like to think i'm mature as well. mature enough to handle my own affairs.
though i know sometimes i can be so wilful.
sigh.
and people. people will hurt you. they will desert you. human nature to be selfish. why is it so hard for people to care? i'm lucky. i have friends and family whom i appreciate so so much. but some people get hurt. by this selfishness. by human nature. by themselves. why do people wanna deny themselves. why do peoople wanna put up a front. do they find it hard to be true to themselves? why?
if i like a person for who the person is, am i supposed to accept his flaws? logically yes. ideally yes. but. in reality, it's quite hard. i'm learning. i'm starting to accept. i know i can.
sometimes i wonder why i myself care about things like how we look. i mean. i know its human nature. i know its POINTLESS to think about it. i know saying that i wonder doesnt make it go away. but. i still wonder. and, we all have our own ideas of beauty. but mostly similar ones as to what is asethetically pleasing. and oh gosh. i can't believe i'm saying this on a PUBLIC blog but i shall. (and pray very hard no one but geri will read it) WHY DO PEOPLE ALL THINK THE GUY HAS TO BE TALLER THAN THE GIRL?
i mean if you think about it. its just a traditional or stereotypical way you look at couples. WHY SHOULD THE BLOODY HEIGHT MATTER. oh god.
and i KNOW it matters. cos if it didn't, i wouldnt be blogging about it.
okay, feeling-honest-moment over.
man. sometimes. i just want to drop everything and stop caring.
I HATE FEELING SO BLOODY TIRED OF CARING.
oh well oh well oh well.
sometimes i'm afraid of having expectations. because i'm aware of disappointment. yet. fulfilment?
but expectations. i expect so much from myself. and from others.
i don't think they are always met. but i guess. expectations aren't meant to be met most of the time.